Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

   My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.

   Lebron's Hairline is so far back it played against Larry Bird.

   Layaway season is back! Yessssssss!

   It's not your fault you guys aren't funny... but thanks for the effort in trying.

   Dear girls at the gym, skinny doesn't fix ugly

   I can't wait to see my girlfriends face in 12 days when I tell her I'm done playing black ops. I'm going to let the happiness soak in for about 2 minutes then turn on modern ware fare 3.

   Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.

   This lady was saying how her daughter is "super strong for a 2 year-old." Now I'm testing the kid and she can't lift sh!t.

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.

   I was a bit upset when I first saw you with him, but as you got closer I laughed because he is so ugly.

   I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.

   Ladies it's only fair of me to inform you, in case you are diabetic, that I'm sweet. Also, if you have food allergies, I have nuts.

   Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.

   Well....Today IS THE DAY....... Time to pull out of the freezer.... the 5 bags of orange and black peanut butter flavored rocks that I got last November at Walgreens for 80% off..... Those pesky kid's teeth will NEVER know what hit them .....Bwhahahaha

   dear porche driver who pulled out infront at the last minute so I had to slam on the brakes dont forget next time il hit you and it will cost your more money to fix your car than mine

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   If I was the richest person in the world...I'd trade it all in for a little more.

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   quietly ovulating.