Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   only giving out chocolate covered caramel to trick or treaters cause that's how I "Rolo".

   Geez!....Drop a couple "fun size" Absolute miniatures in a trick-or-treater's sack and suddenly it's a neighborhood "incident".

   Using Candy from last yr for "trick or treaters" =)

   Poor Kris Humphries. The NBA strike won't allow him to dribble and shoot and neither will Kim Kardashian.

   I'm dressing up as the ghost of the 2011 NBA season. It's not like anyone is gonna see me or care to see me anyway.

   I can understand Kim wanting a divorce, I mean I thought he was Blake Griffin too

   No I did not flinch because you scared me, I flinched because of my instinct to survive.

   discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Here we go again, here's 2 dressed as policemen.....

   if you wear the #15 jersey while passing out candy to the kiddies tonight, you're allowed to throw the candy 15 feet above the kids heads. This is known as TEBOWING.

   How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.

   You know you're wasting your life on the Internet when you keep coming back to the same sites because you can't think of anything else to do.

   You'd think that after a while, Scooby and Shaggy would stop being such pu$sies when they see a ghost or something. They should know it's just someone in a costume.

   TRUTH IS:... Kardashian should be a verb for "Bounce"  "Ayo homie i'd like to kick it but I gotta Kardashian"

   A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious.

   "You see your family whole year, holidays are for your bartender !!" - Moe Syzlak

   It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"

   They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc.

   "Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bast-ards."