Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   either i'm becoming bitter and judgemental or everyone else has become stupid and pathetic.

   with some of the ugly pics some people post of themselves, I'm just glad facebook isnt in HD

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   senses a disturbance in the force.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   I'm jealous of the occupy movement, I wish I could join in. But I have to occupy my job so my kids can occupy my house.

   Pollen is just flower jizz.

   That moment when customers at CVS see that all the toys are dancing and singing & I'm the only one standing in the aisle. I like to push all the buttons.

   Wanna hear a cat joke? ...... Just Kitten!!

   Penn State lost last week. They must of played Karma.

   Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.

   Taking my lunch break in a near by park would be a little less complicated if I didn't forget the fact that I have a mustache this month.

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

   A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."