Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   The show "19 Kids and Counting" could easily be renamed "People Hoarders".

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.

   Candy companies need to learn that making a candy bar and eighth of its original size does not make it "fun sized," it just makes more wrappers to throw away.

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.