Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.

   Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"

   After several experiments I've determined it's impossible to overdose on cheese

   would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

   When a mime dies, do mourners ask for a moment of talking?

   Did you hear that Apple is developing a new Alternative Gas Source that everyone can help contribute to? They are going to call it the iFart.

   Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.

   You know you've finally matured when you stop asking for money to use on the bubblegum machines at Restaurants.

   A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

   Ladies: Guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, but they prefer bare hardwood...

   When I flush the toilet I like to yell "SH!TS GOING DOWN!!!" in my best gangster voice.

   Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeaaaa... LMFAO :D

   Does anyone know the name of that one song that doesn't have Pitbull in it?

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!