Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The secret to life for me plain and simple...is to not die.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   Now I know why women get so pissed about the toliet seat being left up...MAN! That toliet water is cold!

   Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.

   Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.

   On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

   I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I can't go back in the office because I had bacon for lunch and my b0ner hasn't gone down yet.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.