Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.

   I going to wear my Pinocchio G-string underwear to bed..... and tell my wife to tell me lies,,,,,,, tell me sweet little lies!!!!!!!...I will let you know how it goes.... LOL :-)

   Are seniors from a church group in the hood submitting all these? or just the most moronic people new to the internet?

   If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

   It takes a man to admit he's wrong....it takes a woman to get him to do it.

   In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

   Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

   The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

   I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

   Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make you cry..that was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I shall die before I wake.....please log into my computer and delete my browsing history and temporary files before my mom sees it. My password is *******. Thanks

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," said the heart.

   Its much easier to to turn a friendship into love.. then love into a friendship.

   Cheating is a choice... Not a mistake.

   Some girls say that they need a boyfriend to keep them warm in the winter. I just bought a coat

   Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won't be getting laid tonight.

   Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure… it's called a credit card.

   THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging.