Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm still awesome either way. So who cares?

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

   It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?

   Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward. “John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?”

   Friends are forever, until they are in relationship.

   walking in the mall today..saw a kid with 4 lip rings..suddenly had an urge to hang a shower curtain.

   Just bought the entire Yoko Ono collection on Itunes. I got the Itunes receipt and they credited me 1,000,000,000 free songs.

   Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.

   We always want the best man to win an election, Unfortunately, he never runs.

   It only took Kim Kardashian 72 days to realize that Kris Humphries wasn't black

   i get the feeling that if Herman Cain gets elected, he's gonna call Congress "the cracker box"...a building full of white ppl or "crackers"

   It's kinda sad that 98% of the population can only correctly use a semicolon if they're trying to digitally wink at somebody.

   Been watching that show " The Biggest Loser" and I figured out why they call I that and its not about who loses the most weight....

   I was going to wish you a happy birthday but Facebook was down

   Glad the Facebook redesign helped distract you from everything actually wrong with your life

   May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook

   I hate it when people belittle other people's problems just because they're not as bad as some. No matter the gravity, they're still problems, and people have a right to be sad.

   Feelings like anger and sadness should probably be embraced. Even though we may not like them, they're all natural emotions and a part of life. After all, the world would most likely be pretty bland if all we felt was satisfaction.