Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.

   farted in a closed lift: it was wrong on so many levels!

   Pride is often used to cover weakness. A thin veil of douchebaggery fools no one.

   I don't deliver to Trailer Parks. If your house is on wheels, you must have done something wrong. - SANTA CLAUS

   Life can never give security, it can only promise opportunity. So seize that sh*t like a drug raid at Charlie Sheen's house.

   Some people seem to have an issue with the responsibility of being trusted.

   Why do morons think they can disguise their stupidity by acting like smart asses?

   thinking I should write a book about living with A.D.D., because I love home renovation. #squirrel 

   Man was sent to Earth to suffer, Woman was sent to Earth to make sure it happens.

   If I had known I would run into this many a-holes in my life, I would have capitalized on it and specialized in proctology!

   MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food.

   calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!

   Bad relationships are like speed bumps. They force you to slow down and think about where you're headed.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.