Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I count breathing as exercise.

   If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

   One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her

   I copied my Match@com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

   why am I the only one on chat and everybody posting ever 2 minutes??

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!

   That extremely "WTF" moment when finally you found the right moment to broke up with your boyfriend and... He ask you to marry him...

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious

   There's a serial killer in the house! NORMAL PEOPLE: "Call the police, let's get out of here!" IN MOVIES: "Let's go find him!"

   Nothing says "I'm a fat b@stard" like wearing a T-shirt in a swimming pool.....

   My manners disappear the more I have to repeat something. "Can you pass me the pen? The pen, can you pass it? Hello? GIVE ME THE F**KING PEN!!!"

   Learn something new everyday. Today I learned that leaving the lights on in your car overnight is not good for morning starts.

   Im going to make a Photo Album of Then and Now photos of my high school class mates and tag everybody

   Pac-Man teaches us a valuable lesson Eat everything you can, and if anyone tries to stop you, eat them.

   It makes you worried for the future when you see all the insecure girls on Facebook posting their pictures as their statu$ and begging for likes.

   It's silly when people say that you shouldn't like them "because they might hurt you." Everyone is going to hurt you. Some people are just worth the risk.

   You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!

   Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?