Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi. I'm a c**k blocker. Why? 'Cause my friends are all hot and I'm a tub of lard with tattoos everywhere and all kinds of metal s**t in my face.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   I am no Miss Williams but I know how to handle balls.

   Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.

   This cold, bleak, dreary, wet, grey weather has given me Seasonal Adjective Disorder.

   Made eye contact with a cop on the platform as the train took off. I gave him the finger on principal.

   Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"

   TYPES OF SALARIES... Which one is yours? 1. Onion salary . You grab it, you open it, you cry ... 2. Storm salary . You don't know when its coming and when it is going 3. Menstrual salary . It comes once a month and lasts for only 3 days 4. Magic salary .

   Why do people spill their guts on facebook like it's, "Daddy touched me week" on Dr. Phil???

   Oh I love seven layer cookies!!! Each layer compliments the next. Right as the coconut starts to fade, HELLO Mrs. butterscotch!!!!

   I'm sure you will find someone nice. But You can't shake the wh0re tree and hope an angel falls out...

   gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   How come men go to $trip clubs with other men? I'm thinking of getting a b0ner later, you wanna come? Come on man let's go get some b0ners, my treat! I love going out with my buddies and getting b0ners with them...

   I know how to spell, so why do my words make no sense when I try to verbally spell something for a friend?!