Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll be thankful when people stop filling my entire wall with posts about what they're thankful for.

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   he wind is CraZy this morning... I went out for a smoke and the wind blew my robe plum over my head... I felt like Marylin Monroe ...

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   Michael Jackson's bodyguards are now saying; "if Michael Jackson were alive, there is NO WAY he would want Dr Murray on trial." DUH if Michael Jackson was alive, Dr Murray WOULDN'T be on trial now would he? Well played bodyguards, well played.

   what the fk is a kardashian, and how the hell do you get a bieber pregnant?

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians..

   Dear anchormen: We all have the Internet now. Why do you even exist still?

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

   being rich doesn't equal happiness but i'd rather cry in a ferrari

   I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......