Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.

   I get one pimple & here I am watching Proactive infomercials & thinking it's a good idea to order. BUT WAIT, there's more!!

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Whenever I see the new "Obama 2012" bumper sticker, I immediately assume whoever owns that car has been living on the moon for the past three years......just saying

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - the baby turns out to be Blade. And Wesley Snipes slaughters all those teenage vampires.

   I used to think you took my breath away. Then I realized I was just suffocated by your bulls!ht...

   In the immortal words of the great Philosopher, Method Man: "Cash rules everything around me, dolla dolla bill y'all."

   The Universe is now in harmony. Just saw a redhead drink a Ginger Ale.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   I wonder how popular the occupy Poland movement will get? #toosoon?

   Real Playas put Mistletoe on their belt.

   Ambulances are SUCH drama queens.