Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.

   What did moths fly into before electricity?

   Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.

   Now that I am bald now and I know where dandruff on my shoes are coming from

   If the NBA players really were a union they'd start there own league.

   for sale ;;;; one shaky chair...and some rope..

   According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.

   I was gonna tell a midget joke.. but I thought that would be kinda low.

   According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.

   I was asked to run a marathon & I said "No way". Then I was told it was for Down Syndrom & blind kids & I thought "Fack it. I could win that!"

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

   I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   My dog was licking his nuts. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   You know you're irritated when somebody tells you to "have a nice day" and you respond with, "Don't tell me what to do!" -__-

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." - Albert Einstein

   is it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   thankful that I have a job and can afford a nice Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas...and beer