Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

   HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wins big, trashes rumours at EMAs. You go girrrrrrrrrrrrrl....

   you know its time to get a girlfriend when you start looking for socks behind the dryer..

   Don't tease fat girls, elephants never forget...

   We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the ish instead of wiping with it...

   for a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can....

   I'd imagine homeless people aren't the fans of little dogs wearing sweaters

   i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away.

   They say real woman have curves. Well then... the woman sitting in front of me at the theatre is a real, real, real, real, real, real woman.

   I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it

   I wonder if AM realises how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

   Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they wanted to

   No wonder my cigar tastes funny... its just a really old hotdog

   I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples

   looks like the only black and yellow we have to worry about is the cute little bumblebee.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."

   Why do people adopt insults that are directed at other people and take them personal, make them their own?