Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. And if they refuse to be let go, get a restraining order.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Never forget what someone says when they're angry. Apologies are given when people are sorry that others heard their unfiltered opinions.

   Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   I dont know who gets around more " The Duggars or Hermain Cain".

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   Life could be worse....woman could get away with murdering their baby daughter while a doctor who gives his client illegal drugs and he dies could end up going to jail. Oh wait.....

   "RIP Joe Frazier... I Can't Believe He's Gone...I'm still shaking" -Muhammad Ali-

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.

   I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything.

   Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared.

   Never chase anyone. A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a damn video proving it.