Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.

   the odds of going to the store for one item, and coming out with only one item, are a billion to one.

   Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS. 

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.

   "And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher

   If your Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" it's not really that hard to understand. Most of your friends have already figured out you're past the online formalities and are officially into stalking stage.

   Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea about the structural integrity of baked goods.

   Just because you attract a lot of nasty skanks does not mean you're a stud. It means that your own kind recognizes you.

   A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.

   Wanna know who your real friends are? Disable your facebook page a week before your birthday and see who calls you on your birthday. WARNING!! May cause depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Use this technique at you own RISK!!!!

   Why do the media cover “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news?.... I think they do it for the same people that can not manage to operate a self check out isle! Which, I'm afraid is like 80% if he US population! God Help Us!!!!

   Stupid vending machine took my money because the bag of chips didn't drop! I starting pounding the glass as hard as I could then I looked up and saw a surveillance camera and walked away slowly out the break room.... >_<

   No one likes laying in the wet spot but everyone loves making one.

   at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.