Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...

   feels great today....yesterday to combat the Tryptophan drowsiness he marinated his turkey in red-bull!

   Please tell me there is not a game of naming one thing you want from now til Christmas

   Great Black Friday deal!!! : Sleep..... $0

   Black Friday... Where the difference between "in line" and "on-line" is about 3 1/2 hours.

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   For my constipated, politically-correct readers: Happy African American Friday!

   I witnessed an "occupy best buy" last night?

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   Dear rest of the world, Piss off then. Plenty of other reading then...good day to you.

   that a drumstick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you it's a drumstick I have an eating problem oh God there's gravy in there too.

   It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)

   Native American ghosts spend Thanksgiving Day at backyard football games, tearing 40 y.o. white dudes achilles tendons.

   If Black Friday involved gunplay, I would have been up hours ago. And turned one on myself.

   I didn't eat enough to feel guilty but too much to feel virtuous. I did it wrong, didn't I?

   Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.

   Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.