Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced that Florida ain't afraid of nothing....except flying roaches

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   Not only are parents finding out their kids can't read, the kids are finding out that their parents can't read either during this quarantine

   I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams

   Just thought I'd point out that if you're going around to different friends houses to make "Social Distancing" videos with you're missing the point.

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.

   Since soap kills COVID 19, have you guys tried just eating Tide Pods again?

   While watching him give a speech on TV, I increased the brightness but it didn't work.

   Dear Netflix, Thanks for all the great movies but can you please stop adding one's about pandemics as I'm fully capable of turning on the news. Thanks!

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.

   Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

   88% of parenting is begging your kids to cover their mouth when coughing.

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   What are Jared Kushner's qualifications? Screwing the boss' daughter.

   If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.