Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you think of when you hear the word woman? I think of lingerie, stilettos, cosmetics, sweet perfumes, love. What about when I hear the word wife? I think of nagging, booze and staying out till late.

   There are 3 types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   There are types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   Continued - "My friend is slightly retarded." Oh,what a fun evening this was.

   My friend came over to my place for the first time this evening, I said "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My friend is slightly

   If your giving your all and your all isn't enough your giving it to the wrong person!!

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

   You used to be my reason to smile, now you are my reason to frown.

   Ok gang, help me get in the loop. Is it considered taboo for Asians to drive vehicles other than a Honda or a Toyota?

   Ice Bank Mice Elf, say it out loud.

   Keep your neighbors on their toes. Rename your WiFi network to "surveillance van #3"

   An older woman who likes young guys is a cougar. An older man who likes young guys is a Nittany Lion.

   Rosie O'Donnell has just come forward to admit that Herman Cain tried to grab her genitals nearly 15 years ago. She said he stopped when he reached her beanbag.

   ..maybe if Heavy D would of been Slightly Chubby D he might of lived and loved a little longer ;)

   I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm from this "passion fruit".

   I'm better at everything I don't get paid for.

   My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough.

   You had me at..."My family is very wealthy".

   I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?