Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   ‎11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary

   Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.

   I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)

   Dear anyone who can finish an eraser, chapstick, and a pencil, without losing it: You're my idol!

   Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back..

   Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

   Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B

   My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .

   When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.

   Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die.

   It's annoying when people take an unattractive quality they have and try to make it sound cute. "Umm I'm kind of a control freak. Like, I just REALLY like things my way. Ahaha(((:" B!tch shut up.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.

   Someone told me a while back. Your not in a relationship unless its official on Facebook. I just wanted to slap em right there.

   "I just saw you on tv" "OH MY GOD what channel?" "Animal planet"

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..