Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service & what you do with a phone w. no service ? You play games

   Since the commercial, I've always wanted to jump on a Tempur-pedic bed with a glass full of wine.

   BREAKING NEWS: In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

   maybe the world not ending, is far worse than it not ending...

   Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who loved each other then a slut came and ruined everything.

   I beleive we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried................ but they wanted cash !

   Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? Its a formality..... Just like two boxers shaking hands before the bloody fight begins....!

   There is only one perfect wife in the world,,,,,and every neighbor has it !

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right?

   Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.

   Ladies, if you can't be with your crush... always look fabulous. someday he may wanna be with YOU!

   Don't stand too close to the heater honey, plastic melts

   Some people can kill two birds with one stone.... I on the other hand can kill 2 pigs with one bird!

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   THUNDERSTICK 5000: Replacing boyfriends since... ummm... gee... (scratches head)... ummm... (Googles)... well, ummmm... way before xbox!

   Why the "McRib" which is made from "McAss" and tastes like "McPuke" is so popular, is beyond my comprehension!

   The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

   A wise man once said: You can't be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy.