Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you Nancy.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   A Match(.com), but for socks.

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   The biggest problem in society today is that there is an entire generation of younger people that have never been punched in the face.

   Guys, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be nice and wipe the seat.

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   The long and thin goes further in, yet short and thick's what does the trick.

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.