Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying out shopping on Black Friday.

   Why is it you never see people checking in at the adult toy store?

   Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.

   Black Friday... America's version of "Running of the bulls!"

   I'm REALLY good in bed...I stay on my side and I rearly steal all the covers

   I believe I Will be wrapping all my gifts in insulation this year since everybody's itching to see what I got them!

   You looked good until I realized one of your eyes don't blink and now I can't stop starring at it!

   You Know They Cheating on you when the expiration date on the condoms you left magically changes from 7/2012 to 9/2013

   A picture may say a thousand words...but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies!

   I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   Black Friday is all the companies telling you they could sell their products at these prices everyday of the year....kinda reminding of us of how stupid we are and how greedy they are!!

   This country wasn't built on rock and roll, Ford trucks, or even good old hard work, this country was built on cheeseburgers.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   I'm proud of every woman I've ever had sex with. I don't regret any of you.

   Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.

   Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?

   feels like Simba in Lion King, you know that part where he's stuck in the stampede, and his dad dies saving him, but then later he meets Timon and Pumbaa... f*ck black friday I'm going home to watch Lion King."

   WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...

   feels great today....yesterday to combat the Tryptophan drowsiness he marinated his turkey in red-bull!