Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else find it disturbing that Jerry Sandusky has an autobiography titled "Touched"?

   I keep having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   And I damn sure don't wait until all the numbers on the calendar match to pray.

   I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.

   How hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between "blazing inferno" & "toast"?!?

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   Not everything with a coin slot is a vending machine.. I mean, look at her.

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   11 was quite a popular number. Next year it'll be all about 12

   Facebook just got real. You can unsubscribe to status updates and turn people from "friends" to "acquaintances". It's a dirty game

   Wife: Don't Drink Today, or Else No Sex Tonight Husband gives it plenty of Thought Confused What To Choose: 12 yr old Whisky or... 40 yr old Cake

   I'm taking the greed out of agreed, because I don't.

   In the Czech Republic abortions are known as cancelled Czechs