Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   If we're in a car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I now hate you

   I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.

   So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?

   Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!

   What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??

   My dream pet would be a mermaid.

   Santa is the original Voyager!

   I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..

   They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?

   I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!

   If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?