Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm easy to get along with, just agree with me".

   I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   I've learned a lot from women...Especially how to get out of a speeding ticket..Like crying for instance... It just doesnt work for women... Totally freaks the pol!ce out seein a man cry

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.

   Occupy North Pole, because Santa loves the rich kids more.........

   Bradley Cooper is has been chosen as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe next year I'll make it out of the final round...

   ever take a dump so big your pants fit better when you were done!

   Charlie Sheen is visiting Colombia and for the first time ever the country is in fear of running out of cocaine!!

   Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.

   Do personal massagers that don't work end up on the Island of Misfit Sex Toys?

   Only in America can you prescribe drugs to a paedophile and get 4 years in jail, but Kill your own kid and get off scott free.

   the girl from Subway was saying she can't wait to go home and smoke a blunt! Nice customer service girls.

   Some people act like they love me and I act like I love them too.

   A wise person knows when to play the fool. Like when women flirt or cry to get out of speeding tickets.

   Think before you speak, and do not speak all that you think.

   Herman Cain has 99 problems and apparently a b!tch is all of them.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.