Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has a 'vodka incident'

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   I'm having one of those "can't get my inflatable Santa-in-a-helicopter to stick to the roof of my inflatable manger" mornings.

   Welcome to the SATs - your score today may determine which College Loan you'll be paying well into your 40s. Let's begin.

   Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.

   You're curious as to how Taylor Swifts songs will change when she can legally drink alcohol

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you're either doing something very right, or something very wrong.

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.

   We have all imagined walking away from an explosion in slow motion while putting sunglasses on.

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

   You know, phones have come a long way since the smoke signal.....

   Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message that said that if I don't forward it to 50 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight. I haven't sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I'm getting laid tonigh

   "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love." sounds a lot better than "let's do it tonight, don't even think about how this will affect our lives later, just sex"

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool

   I think we all know a girl that pretends that she wants to hang out, and then when you try to set something up, there's always an excuse. "Where were you tonight?" "Sorry, I had an emergency hair appointment!"