Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For sale slightly used daily planner.

   Think I'm starting to understand how Howard Hughes must have felt self isolating, except for I'm not staying in a luxury Las Vegas hotel, have billions of dollars or servants leaving things at my door, but other than that I think I understand how he felt.

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   Not sure what the guy below is saying. I'm a property manager with a company that has hundreds of rentals. Only 4 are late.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   Reinforce your Ikea furniture and make yourself comfortable in mom’s basement for four more years, mi!!ennials. Bernies out!

   Roman Catholic dietary law classified aquatic mammals as fish rather than meat. therefore, you are free to eat beaver on Good Friday.

   Remember wearing shoes? Is that still a thing?

   Newsflash: Sorry libs, but what the MSM is saying is a lie. Trump does not own any stock in a company that makes hydroxychloroquine.

   At least all this money printing from the Fed will solve the toilet paper shortage

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough

   And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.

   I'm sorry I removed you from my friends-list. But it's my new policy in dealing with folks who annoy the f*****g s**t out of me.

   When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   If a Tutu was designed for an extra-large ballerina, would it be called a Threethree?

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

   Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower after my husband.