Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet....

   I know a lot of midget jokes but I am afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   multi-directional urinating and it all landed safely at sea....gonna be a good day!

   Just had sex with a Prostitute who had only one eye. Told her I might see her again. She said shed keep an eye out for me.

   It's not hard finding someone. What is hard is finding someone worth keeping.

   had his left side removed. He's all right now.

   I like to buy kids loud gifts and laugh at how annoyed their parents are gonna get

   When buying a new flat screen T.V, always remember to put the box in the neighbor's trash can so you don't get robbed.

   I like my Cheerio's with an obscene amount of sugar....

   I was just asked what the shelf life was of " fruit cake " , all I could say was when's the rapture .

   Watched " Soul surfer " on my " On demand " last night . I have to admit , it takes true dedication to your art to let them cut your arm off for a two hour movie .

   why do some parents send the kid to their room when their bad?..."you did something wrong so go where you keep your toys & think about it"

   My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.

   Everyone is breaking up... Which means christmas is almost here!

   Now I dont wanna have to tell you how to do your job as a woman...But as a man that's my job...

   Children shouldn't be allowed to watch symphonies or big bands on T.V. There is too much sax and violins. It can only lead to Treble.

   IHOP is like Walmart but with pancakes.

   Santa I'm sorry I was so naughty! Last year I was so good you brought me a Grill! This year I just needed the coal!

   Apparently getting naked and crawling on Santas lap saying " I've been a bad, bad girl" is not appropriate behavior at the mall. Who knew?

   Wish they had a NuvaRing that would fit in a woman's mouth!! Then we could take it out when we wanted to talk!!