Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   So I told my friend there is a new app for iphone where you can measure a pools temperature by putting the phone in the water.... Droid users 1 Apple 0

   I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators

   Remember that new kid who always used to wear a skull cap and asked you to go to the prom with him and you rejected him?..Yeah,He had cancer and he died the very same night you were dancing with the school bully..Let that marinate in your mind for awhile

   If you are what you eat, then are cannibals the only true humas??? O_O

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!

   ❒ In A Relationship ❒ Single ❒ Messing Around ❒ Getting Cheated On ❒ F**k Relationships ✔I'm Just Hungry!

   Tom Anderson uses Facebook so I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg uses Google+

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   I like my Women like I like my Beer....Pale, Full Bodied, Icy Cold and Delivered to me by a Wagon pulled by Clydesdales....

   I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted

   Boys make excuses, men make changes...

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   That akward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   There are two types of girls in the world: my mom and sluts...

   Rosa Parks wasn't trying to make a political statement , her ass was just tired .

   have a new theory! If you ran around a tree at 270,000 miles per hour you could actually "f**k yourself". Same theory would apply if we re-elected Obama again.

   I carry a magnum sized condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper.... some day my prince will come

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his bluetooth earpiece