Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did. Brrr...

   I see all these women outside in short skirts. If they don't catch frostbite, they'll definitely catch an STD

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   Even ugly babies are still kinda cute.

   Safer to let my kids walk in Compton then let them go to VA Tech!

   Theres no way in hell I'm ever buying my child a Elmo doll...I'm still having nightmares from having one as a child!

   The "J" in my neighbors joy sign burned out. A multi-faith family perhaps?

   Albert Pujols $250M baseball contract is totally unfair. He should give some of those $ to players who aren't nearly as good. WTF, we should occupy his house.......

   Friends are like a string of Christmas lights. Some are broke, some are burned out, others just don't work for you, a few aren't the brightest, some even need you to untangle the mess they are in..but most of them shine brightest when your day is darkest.

   Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you're in public and it rings, it's the most embarrassing moment of your life?

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   following his rehab, Jerry Sandusky will sign on to host the new game show 'Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader'

   For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.