Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   Lighters should have an attached sticker that reads: Caution: Will go missing in a week.

   not thinking too much today, therefore I might not be.

   A mind without laughter is a dangerous place to pitch a tent...

   Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...

   Can Obama's Jobs Plan make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   This coffee isn't wariming me enough...I need a cup of lava!!

   Can a woman make you a Millionaire... Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Every girl has a unique "mean glare" they do when they're ticked off. Nearly every guy on the other hand, all have the same "are you kidding me?" emotionless expression when they're angry

   Laughter is a wonderful sound. It cheers you up, it holds you up, and makes you believe that a simple sound can make unwelcome emotions disappear

   There's always a little truth behind every 'jk,' a little knowledge behind every 'idk,' a little emotion behind every 'idc,' and a little pain behind every 'it's OK.

   Doctor: "You have Cancer and Alzheimer's" Patient: "At least I don't have Cancer!!"

   I LOVE my job!! Especially the part when I clock out and leave!!!

   "Explain __ in your own words." Ok, ahdjej ejeodokm eiaian eushna fuueoa,