Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise person knows when to play the fool. Like when women flirt or cry to get out of speeding tickets.

   Think before you speak, and do not speak all that you think.

   Herman Cain has 99 problems and apparently a b!tch is all of them.

   One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.

   I wish there was a way to convert my skill at playing drums on the steering wheel into friends or happiness.

   With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company.

   People disregard you when they don't want you, but they are quick to acknowledge you when they need your help.

   Can't contemplate how a person could be negative on something that doesn't pertain to their specific region. Like it or leave it alone. Your ignorance doesn't make it less funny.

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money... it doesn't buy class no matter how many millions of it you have got.

   From this point on I propose that Herman Cain be known as Big Daddy Cain, and that he defend himself by saying 'It's a Big Daddy Thing.'

   Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?

   Today is the worst day ever! (wait for the "what's wrong?" reply. Then post "Today, I finished off the Thanksgiving leftovers".

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Obama!

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Ross Perot!

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.