Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watching football its like watching monkeys chasing a banana

   I have heard that if a bear approaches you in the woods...you should play dead. I think I know why. it's to get you used to what you're going to look like in a minute.

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...

   I DO WHAT I WANT! WHEN I WANT! WHERE I WANT!...... if Mom says its ok...

   floods, check...earthquake, check...hurricane...check, Locusts..where are those damn locusts?

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.

   Are you leaning on your left elbow?

   I WASNT GOOD IN MATH BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX I'm ALL ABOUT ANGLES

   I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

   "I'm easy to get along with, just agree with me".

   I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   I've learned a lot from women...Especially how to get out of a speeding ticket..Like crying for instance... It just doesnt work for women... Totally freaks the pol!ce out seein a man cry

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.

   Occupy North Pole, because Santa loves the rich kids more.........

   Bradley Cooper is has been chosen as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe next year I'll make it out of the final round...

   ever take a dump so big your pants fit better when you were done!