Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   next time someone calls you answer "Canadian Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beat us"

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   Tried explaining twitter to Sharon but her "Why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

   Things women find attractive: A man who leaves the room to pass gas so she wont feel tortured.

   Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

   The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna!

   You know you are useless when no one is ever scared of losing you.

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   Everyone has a 'vodka incident'

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   I'm having one of those "can't get my inflatable Santa-in-a-helicopter to stick to the roof of my inflatable manger" mornings.

   Welcome to the SATs - your score today may determine which College Loan you'll be paying well into your 40s. Let's begin.