Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.

   OMG, I'm going to be so tired in the morning that I'm not going to be able to think...luckily I'll be at work.

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   your ass must be from McDonald's, cuz I'm luvin it!

   "Leave It To Beaver" is what I am calling it...it's a club for distraught men that have a hard time dealing with women!!

   Horse d'oeuvres anyone?

   Just because I liked your status... Doesnt mean you have to like mine 2 seconds after... Didnt know you liked the idea of me sittin on the toliet..

   Please hurry up with your story.. That I care absolutely nothing about... I'm afraid if I keep this fake smile on my face any longer, its guna get stuck this way.

   we lost 400k jobs, but gained 140k for the month, ya great job obama.

   Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.

   Politically speaking, Herman Cain is an extremely horny candidate.

   According to my studies, Aliens NEVER wear pants and are all flat chested females.

   I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.

   I made fun of a pale lady with red hair today and I finally saw a real ginger snap.

   We installed a Cain Train around the base of our Christmas tree, but it keeps stopping to hit on the Sugar Plum Fairy ornament.

   Horse meat is now legal food. Look for McDonald's to introduce the supersized McStallion, low fat McMare, and super lean McGelding burgers, and don't forget the McPony for the kids....Thanks Obama!!

   Apparently I am attracted to women who have big jugs. Of pepper spray.

   Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That's a lot of face.

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   sitting at work prairie doggin' because I don't want to use the company bathroom. I hope I can hold this in for another 5 hours.