Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.

   I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.

   Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.

   Do NOT take your kids to the dog and pony show in Amsterdam.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.

   There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.

   I get one pimple & here I am watching Proactive infomercials & thinking it's a good idea to order. BUT WAIT, there's more!!

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Whenever I see the new "Obama 2012" bumper sticker, I immediately assume whoever owns that car has been living on the moon for the past three years......just saying

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - the baby turns out to be Blade. And Wesley Snipes slaughters all those teenage vampires.