Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now I don't care about not having a girlfriend. Siri listens to all of my needs!

   as now kim kardashian has decided to end her marriage, my earnest request to her to release her new se*tape to support last version and to keep going the process well.

   Donald Trump, first hampster to human hair transplant recipient.

   Donald Trump and the Kardashians represent the worst in American culture, greed and self centeredness. May they just go away.

   What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well hung

   If the colts go 0 and 14 should we rest are starters for the playoffs?

   I just killed a spider with my shoe. I don't care how big spiders are but no one steals my f*cking shoes!

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   If you ran as much as your mouth did, you'd be in great shape...

   Hamburger Helper only works when the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   Man are like BLUETOOTH, he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away. And women are like WI-FI, she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

   I remmeber last year at christmas my ex girlfriend was so pissed that I gave her mother a mustache trimmer.

   Dear Vegetarians, you're not doing us any favors, all your doing is eating our food supply. Sincerely, Starving Animals.

   Facebook needs a “remove from existence” button. That way I don't have to see their posts on mutual friends' walls, and I can just forget that they even exist

   I wonder if people, who actually think they can danceq.. Have ever watched themselves dance in front of the mirror naked... I bet their minds would change in a heartbeat!

   LIKE if you reply ”LMFAO” ”ROFL” “LOL” and you're clearly just sitting there emotionless as a robot.

   Facebook needs these 3 buttons: “Dislike”, “Who cares”, “Are you an idiot?”

   Naughty phrases you can only say on Thanksgiving: Just wait your turn youll get some! You still have a little bit on your chin! Its cool whip time! Its a little dry do you still want to eat it? If I undo my pants I'll burst.