Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

   Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

   Untill now I haven't felt this much pressure on a particular thing, so... "why this kolaveri di"?!!!

   (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (O_o) (-_-) (-_-) <-- Me & my boys. Don't talk to Bob, he's on Ecstasy"

   My Week day → Morning: (~_~) Middle of the day: -__- Home: \(*~*)/

   ‎‎(ｏ・_・)ノ”(ノ_<。) I hate you -__- ?30secs later (っ˘з(˘.˘ )♥ Bipolar Love

   if I ever get down on one knee and propose to a girl and she says "No" I'm coming back up with a uppercut like Street Fighter!...."haaaadduuikkickkkk!"

   I'm just letting life pull me down, and patiently waiting for my great slinghot experience!..RJ

   A successful diet means no longer caring "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

   I hate when people win the lottery and insist that money won't change them, but then refuse to ever eat cat food again.

   Success is just like being Pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were f%@ked.

   I will always refer to # as a "number sign"or "pound sign".. Not a "Hashtag" The last time I remeber a hashtag. it was being handed to de left hand side

   WhitePeopleGoogleSearches How do I find my stolen iPhone BlackPeopleGoogleSearches How do I unlock the iPhone I just found..

   I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

   Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.