Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Web site security. I change my passwords regularly right after I forget them.

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.

   When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

   thinking about opening a line of internet cafes on Indian Reservations. I think I will call them.. "The H T Teepee" :)

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.

   I invented a steak sauce. The ingredients; Au Jus, Shiitake Mushrooms, and Vinegar. No one will market it. They have a problem with the name. I named after the three ingredients. What's so bad about: "Au Shiit Niga!"

   NBA = Nlggas Balling Again

   3 grand for a jacuzzi eff that give me some beans and some bathwater and i'll make one for a dollar

   Christmas trees are like boobs. Fake ones are nice to look at, but real ones are better.

   I am in the process of writing a new country song for someone special....... Its called "If I woulda shot you sooner, Id be outta prison by now."

   "DRINKY POOS"- What a girl calls a few drinks trying to be cute. "DRINKY POOS"- What a guy has after a night of drinking.

   Mirrors can't talk. And lucky for you they can't laugh.

   Everyone at the North Pole knows, if you want the very best weed, you go find Blitzen.

   If you and your gf/bf traded phones for one day, would you still be together when the day was over?

   coulda sworn I read most of these jokes already on the android joke app:/

   If you put your pinky in your ear and scratch it, it sounds like pacman...

   "I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies