Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.

   Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.