Funny Status Messages

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   Breonna Taylor's family should have collected the 12 million from her drug pushing, boyfriend's family who fired at the officers first.

   When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

   Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

   He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.