Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, Noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.

   Her: What did you buy me for my birthday? Him: You see that pink Mercedes over there? Her: Yessss??? Him: Well I brought you a toothbrush the same color.

   What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?? The Hoover's got a dirtbag on the inside...

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool.. Second daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Christ! Doesn't anyone in this family love c0ck? Son: I do!

   I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

   If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.

   Going to start living like a dog...If I cant eat it or play with it....I will piss on it and walk away

   Inspire others by inspiring yourself.

   Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?

   Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention' as their Facebook status.

   Deleting your Facebook is just like running away from home. Your're just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour or so..

   It's amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone.

   Women are magicians, they can change anything into an argument.

   They need to make an app that shows you what your name is saved as in other people's phone.

   Decided to burn some calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire (:

   I bet when Jesse James and Kat Von D have sex it looks like 2 Ed Hardy shirts tumbling in a dryer!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?