Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that 85% of Facebook relationships end in "F*ck that B*tch"..

   Fox News is the funniest Tv station ever! Good source of entertainment. But seriously, I trust the Daily Show more.

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....

   Fox News is the conservative Republican version of Josef Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, with more rhetoric.

   Remember when people use to say "duh, you owe me one"........What heck was the "one" you owe?

   it weird that we eat dead things to stay alive?

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   Every day you are seen is better than the day you are viewed.

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 relatives I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny updates, 9 "in relationship to single, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeens, 4 friend requests, 3 I ignore, 2 annoying pokes and ME in need of happy hour!

   a jealous woman does better research than the FBI

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.