Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just put Nicotine patches on my eyelids, now I can see noises!

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.