Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   Black Friday is all the companies telling you they could sell their products at these prices everyday of the year....kinda reminding of us of how stupid we are and how greedy they are!!

   This country wasn't built on rock and roll, Ford trucks, or even good old hard work, this country was built on cheeseburgers.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   I'm proud of every woman I've ever had sex with. I don't regret any of you.

   Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.

   Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?

   feels like Simba in Lion King, you know that part where he's stuck in the stampede, and his dad dies saving him, but then later he meets Timon and Pumbaa... f*ck black friday I'm going home to watch Lion King."

   WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...

   feels great today....yesterday to combat the Tryptophan drowsiness he marinated his turkey in red-bull!

   Please tell me there is not a game of naming one thing you want from now til Christmas

   Great Black Friday deal!!! : Sleep..... $0

   Black Friday... Where the difference between "in line" and "on-line" is about 3 1/2 hours.

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   For my constipated, politically-correct readers: Happy African American Friday!

   I witnessed an "occupy best buy" last night?

   I just saw a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.

   Dear rest of the world, Piss off then. Plenty of other reading then...good day to you.