Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   coulda sworn I read most of these jokes already on the android joke app:/

   If you put your pinky in your ear and scratch it, it sounds like pacman...

   "I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies

   Does P.Diddy get upset every time he goes to Wendy's and orders the Biggie fries?

   Did you know that you can bite off your finger as easily as you can bite a carrot? But you're brain is like "No, don't eat your finger." So that's why you can't.

   I hate it when I get into an argument with my mom and then later I here her talking about it on the phone and I'm just sitting there like.....no that's not how it happened. -__-

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Alright, buddy, stop scrolling, its time to wipe that as$

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.

   FLOWERS: $50....DINNER: $75....HOTEL: $199....the look on his face when she tells him, "I'm on my period": PRICELESS.

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   I think it's about time we start requiring people to show us their bank account statements first before we can call them celebrities. Too many broke a$$ folks trying to pass themselves off as important and deserving of the celebrity status.

   on a scale from 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need...

   facebook sucks for people with attention deficit....oooh, a comment

   I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than "I work at McDonalds."

   wanna hear the best pick up line? *unrolls duct tape*

   Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.

   getting ready to give her sheets some ass & her pillow some head ...good night everybody

   I have to show her I can hate her before I show her I can love her

   2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I am physically desirable and I am aware of this statement.