Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   an OK meal...spaghetti O's & Special K

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because you cant afford it.

   You aren't crazy, you're just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.

   I'd imagine that hitting the showers had a whole new meaning for the Penn State football team.

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.

   Claiming my heart back, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and putting it back in the freezer. You dig?

   I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.

   You're like hot chocolate and I'm marshmallows; Because you're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

   Guys like YOU. Ruin girls like HER. So she can't put her trust in ME.

   That moment of depression when you find out that you ran out of milk for your cereal.

   When you're in the car alone everyone outside is a serial killer.

   A grown man will buy lingerie for the same reason a kid wants a box of cereal were all after the prize inside

   That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate

   My doctor (me) just decided to up my dosage (smoke more weed)

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important