Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.

   Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   wth I go on google to see the eclipse .. I type in moon and get a bunch of as$ pics

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"