Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   I like to keep my enemies at bay. Guantanamo to be exact.

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”