Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My upstairs neighbour made a ground breaking discovery last night. He can't fly.

   I could tell you to go f yourself but I am afraid you will ask for directions.

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   You gotta hand it to midgets...because they sure as siht can't reach it...

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.

   I wonder if Stevie Wonder knows he's black?

   The cleanliness of my house directly depends on my chances of getting laid that day.

   Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?

   My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.

   FACT: If Osama Bin Laden hid where I hide my porn, he would still be alive today.

   Dear Chubby kids chasing me,this is my way of helping cure Obesity...Sincerly,the Ice Cream Truck Driver.

   I hate when people on YouTube say, "if your watching this in 2011". I'm always like oh no, I'm watching it 1500 BC on my IStone.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with.

   Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.