Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine if people were punished like dogs and had our noses rubbed in wrong doings? "Aw man, forgot to take out the trash" Welp, untie that bag and get your face in there. Look at him, he knows what he did.

   the words "epic" and "swag" must be abolished at some point. But then again Snoop Dogg has epic swag.

   i'm not lazy. i'm just highly motivated to not do anything.

   No Cyndi Lauper...you're so very wrong. Girls don't just wanna have fun...they want a whole lotta sh!t. Christmas blows. Sincerely - A broke boyfriend.

   the moment when you realize that you've been singing the wrong words to a song usually happens when everyone is singing aloud in a car. kills the song and the moment.

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   Ladies: Don't over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   If we're in a car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I now hate you

   I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.

   So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?

   Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!

   What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??

   My dream pet would be a mermaid.

   Santa is the original Voyager!