Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeens, 4 friend requests, 3 I ignore, 2 annoying pokes and ME in need of happy hour!

   a jealous woman does better research than the FBI

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   y r men thinkers and women talkers? because men have two heads and women have four lips.

   How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   I'm totally gonna teabag the next person that Tebows.

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   There's no sense in crying over spilled milk....... Oh, it was beer? Carry on then. :(

   If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.