Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.

   When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.

   People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters

   Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.

   I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   Well, Dwayne Johnson has COVID. Coronavirus really hit Rock Bottom.

   If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   If you’re driving down the road alone with your gloves and mask on, you don’t need that Biden sticker. We already know.

   In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   Why am I sleeping on the couch? well lets put it this way she caught me talking on the phone last night and it was not Jake from State farm

   If a young couple lose their virginity at a KFC, do they now have Colonel knowledge of each other?

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.