Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”

   Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Ho, Ho, Ho!" - Santa Claus doing a naughty girl head count.

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   I got 99 problems and sexual frustration plays a huge part in all of them

   "Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.

   If Mac users care more about the environment than Windows users... Why do Macs have a trash can, and Windows have a recycling bin ?

   Ladies: If you get an an argument with your man and you want to win or just want the argument to be over with, Just get naked and see how fast his attitude changes...