Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never had to have the need for mistle toe to get the ladies.

   Saying "dude." before you say something important.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That guy who got busted for having sex on the subway did nothing wrong...He was just 'minding the gap'.

   Life would be so much easier if chocolate was a health food and they allowed drinking at work

   Apparantly Friday was National Day of the Ninja. I was completely unaware of it. Well played Ninja Day… well played

   What superpower would I want? The ability to know if the bite of food is rotten or moldy BEFORE I stick in my mouth and chew!

   Whats the difference between you and a hippo? One is fat, lazy, ugly, disgusting, smelly, and weird .......then there's the hippo

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of da road I'm going to leave & come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign says, "Help, need ride"

   I wish my farts would make people disintegrate like in "The Darkest Hour" movie trailer.

   The only time its acceptable for a girl to spit is if its into another girls mouth.

   smelling my clothes deciding what to wear

   Need a distraction today? Not only does 11+2=12+1, but also when you rearrange the letters in "eleven plus two," you get "twelve plus one." How many letters in each phrase? Thirteen.

   Cheating on a good girl is like throwing away a daimond and picking up a rock.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.