Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That split second when you are 100% sure ur gunna die after you lean to far back in ur chair

   i hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we havent thought about in a while...demons."

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Seriously guys , she didn't slap me on the face for calling her a b**ch, its just that I forgot to raise my hand when she wants to high five with me.

   A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent

   I'm on the road to happiness and ain't a stop sign in sight :-)

   Who ever invented the "Knock- Knock jokes" should get a No-bell prize

   I bet David Stern is rejecting this divorce and making Kobe and Vanessa stay married.

   Vanessa Bryant files for divorce... I wonder if Kobe asked her if she would do his own version of the triangle offense?

   White parents say, "Good morning, time for school" ...Black parents say, Getcha azz up, don't miss that bus

   Are you soft Kitty or smelly cat?

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.

   I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   Dear inventor of the spork: I am fully prepared to have my mind blown again, whenever you're ready.

   I thought you had a moment of holiday cheer come over you. It was gas, you are disgusting.

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   Frankincense: an aromatic resin used since ancient times in religious rites. Do not confuse with Frankincense's Monster, an affront to God.