Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Behind every great musician, there is a great drug dealer.

   No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.

   I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.

   It must have been very awkward for the guy who invented the tampon when he had to explain his invention to everyone else.

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   One leg in the past and one leg in the future means your pissing on the present....

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   the "ESC" button is NOt for teleportation. You will never escape.

   I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.

   I am not allowed to talk to strange punctuations

   Maybe women wear a watch because they dont carry a stove with them everywhere they go you sexist b@stard.

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.