Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...

   I remember the first habit I picked up. The other nuns just stared in horror!

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   Everyone is telling Hitler jokes, but I do Nazi what's so funny. It's out of Mein Kampfort zone, Anne Frankly, I'm tired of it

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.