Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't drink milk often but when I do I prefer Dos Titties

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   if I had a dollar for every time Capitalism was blamed for problems caused by Government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap.

   When you were younger and you would close your eyes to rinse the shampoo and that feeling like something was going to get you

   It's all shlts and giggles till someone giggles and shlts..

   You wanna know who's amazing and has the cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :)

   Don't you love it when you're ipod is about to fall, and your headphones saves its life.

   hacking Santa's NAUGHTYand NICE list!!!!! x-mas is going to be the bomb!!

   Remember, there are two ways to order a Filly Sandwich now. Thanks Horse Killers for the options.

   I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

   I dont know much about pies, but baby, you make my banana cream

   The three phases of love: 1. XOXO 2. XXX 2. EX

   I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.