Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just hate it when I buy a loaf of bread with an odd number of slices. That last slice always seems to get neglected.

   I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.

   Some things just never change. You know that kid who used to steal your favourite toy only to break it and throw it away? Now he is the douchebag who steals your girlfriend, use and break her heart then dump her.

   Ladies: There is no sign language in love. If he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. Stop assuming and putting words into his mouth.

   The higher the monkey goes up the poll, the more you see of the monkey's butt.

   Call one of those sexy girl hotline and they charge by the minute. Just my luck I got a sexy girl who stutters

   used to be funny, once a pun a time...

   go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.

   Welcome to FaceSpace

   The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.

   it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life

   Pretending that the laser pointer app on your phone tells you if your kid brushed his teeth good enough..priceless!

   ‎96% percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

   Im a bit more cautious when deleting my internet history. I thought it might look a bit suspicious that I haven't been on the internet for two years.

   Drinking game: Take a shot or chug a beer everytime Tony Romo says "you know" during an interview or press conference.

   Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in

   "do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever

   your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   i have just woke up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes,concussion,apparently when the wife asks whats on TV tonight, 6 inches of dust is not the right answer !!!!!!!