Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!

   I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"

   My kitty always likes to lay between my legs.

   I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.

   Who give's a rat's a$$ if its your first time to post here! Stop trying to get some attention and post something funny already.

   Obama asking the Iranians to return the Stealth Drone was probably the biggest joke of 2011.

   monday - friday , we work. saturday - sunday they party I'm still @ work. they sleep I'm dreaming!

   Facebook needs to add these to the relationship status options: (1) Messing around, (2) Using someone, (3) Afraid to commit, (4) With so-and-so until something better comes along.

   If we all start to talk to people than about people then this world would be a better place.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad.