Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is breaking up... Which means christmas is almost here!

   Now I dont wanna have to tell you how to do your job as a woman...But as a man that's my job...

   Children shouldn't be allowed to watch symphonies or big bands on T.V. There is too much sax and violins. It can only lead to Treble.

   IHOP is like Walmart but with pancakes.

   Santa I'm sorry I was so naughty! Last year I was so good you brought me a Grill! This year I just needed the coal!

   Apparently getting naked and crawling on Santas lap saying " I've been a bad, bad girl" is not appropriate behavior at the mall. Who knew?

   Wish they had a NuvaRing that would fit in a woman's mouth!! Then we could take it out when we wanted to talk!!

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all that hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   Target raises deodorant prices to keep Walmart clientele away.

   Just stole Santas naughty girl list! Amazingly its almost identical to my friends list.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   "I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   If couples who are in love are called "LOVED BIRDS", then couples who argue should be called "ANGRY BIRDS".

   Sunday's best part: Reminding everyone of a new long week at work.

   A cowboy rode up, got off his horse, lifted its tail and gave him a good wet kiss on his ass. He turned, saw guys on the porch and said, I got me a mean case of chapped lips! One fella asked, Does it help? He said, No, but it keeps me from licking em..

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   I am kinda getting tired of listening to those little pink elves sing about walking in an Orgy wonderland on the Tmobile commerical. I still have not figured out what having an orgy has to do with cell phone but lets hope they don't post pics with the new

   next time someone calls you answer "Canadian Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beat us"