Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   I never wake up before my alarm clock goes off. Not because I'm lazy and like to sleep in, its because I don't want it feeling insignificant.

   Christmas: The only time of year when your credit card company calls you and says "Thank you!"...

   Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   "never on schedule, but always on Facebook."

   If you rearrange the letters in CAPS LOCK you get C0CK SLAP!

   Those who say they "I slept like a baby" obviously have never had one.

   Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

   I disliked the Mexican one simply because you put hafta

   What did the little black kid get for Christmas? My bike :(

   I am convinced majority of women only wear high-heels to work so they don't have to help move stuff.

   Officer, I promise this weed is prescription, it's for my pathological lying!!

   The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.

   If it weren't for texting driving would be so boring!

   I'd appreciate it if the phone company just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!