Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the weather being the way it is, the only way you could have a white Christmas is if Santa brought you cocaine.

   That education connection girl couldn't have graduated because she is still in low budget commercials.

   Another sign the world is coming to an end: The Packers are losing and the Colts are winning.

   Bathroom model = Body like a stripper + Face like a truck driver!

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

   Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year… ;)

   Amazing,,, that all the xmas gifts I bought today were made in china ,,like what are the odds on that ..!!!

   Profile Pictures: Guys- (•_•) Girls- (°3°)

   when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!

   I hate ants but I love fire= Not a good combination for the ants.>:D

   the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.

   the moment of horror after talking to a gorgeous woman, when you go to the men's room and spot a visible booger hanging out of your nose.

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   while running full speed, that moment between life and death when someone pushes you past your speed limit

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   Why is it there's always "that guy" wearing a jersey to a NFL game when his team is not playing there?!?!?

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.