Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...

   Can Obama's Jobs Plan make you a Millionaire? Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   This coffee isn't wariming me enough...I need a cup of lava!!

   Can a woman make you a Millionaire... Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Every girl has a unique "mean glare" they do when they're ticked off. Nearly every guy on the other hand, all have the same "are you kidding me?" emotionless expression when they're angry

   Laughter is a wonderful sound. It cheers you up, it holds you up, and makes you believe that a simple sound can make unwelcome emotions disappear

   There's always a little truth behind every 'jk,' a little knowledge behind every 'idk,' a little emotion behind every 'idc,' and a little pain behind every 'it's OK.

   Doctor: "You have Cancer and Alzheimer's" Patient: "At least I don't have Cancer!!"

   I LOVE my job!! Especially the part when I clock out and leave!!!

   "Explain __ in your own words." Ok, ahdjej ejeodokm eiaian eushna fuueoa,

   When you were little it was "Stop, look, and listen before you cross the street." As you get older it's more like "I'm crossing the street now. If you hit me I will sue you."

   It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   Nemo is such a badass. He was the first one of his friends to touch a butt

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.

   Letters start with A-B-C. Numbers start with 1-2-3. Music starts with Do-Re-Mi. And love starts with You-And-Me

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti-procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books, learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay",

   Sir Dentist, my gums are bleeding because you're trying to saw them in half with a piece of floss, not because I don't take care of them