Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in

   "do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever

   your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   i have just woke up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes,concussion,apparently when the wife asks whats on TV tonight, 6 inches of dust is not the right answer !!!!!!!

   If you smile in Wal Mart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   TEACHER: what is the opposite of laughing? STUDENT: fu*king... TEACHER: why is that? STUDENT: well laughing is Ha Ha Ha and fu*king is Ah Ah Ah ....

   look people It's spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4... we speak English, not bingo

   Santa I was not naughty, I was merely thinking outside the box!!

   If a fat man in a red suit comes and grabs you and stuffs you into a bag, dont worry. He just read my wish list. :)

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   Wow! Only seven more shopping days until it's Christmas! I wish that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive, extravagant gift! I wouldn't, but do I just wish I could afford to, if I wanted.

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.

   To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.

   After refreshing for hours, I just realized that this might be the new layout..

   RIP Slim Dunkin...Thank God it was not the Doughnut!!!