Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries

   Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.

   its beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

   Walking with 3 people on the sidewalk, and ending up in the back behind them.

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.

   Politicians are almost always viewed on camera from the waist up during speeches and debates because their pants are OBVIOUSLY on fire.

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you asked me to give you a ride home & the party was at your house"

   what? sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me not giving a f***.

   wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story"

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you yelled Team Jacob to my dog!"

   Based on some of the status updates I see my friends post, I think some of them should see if there is an after Christmas return policy on relationships.

   Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That's equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.

   North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il reportedly died of heart attack. What a shock! He had a heart?!? Really?!?

   I met a girl and she must had been really into me cause she gave me her number. She must be on TV cause her number begins with 555... Score!!!!

   The Christmas spirit is gone and I blame the Ghostbusters!

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”