Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A successful diet means no longer caring "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

   I hate when people win the lottery and insist that money won't change them, but then refuse to ever eat cat food again.

   Success is just like being Pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were f%@ked.

   I will always refer to # as a "number sign"or "pound sign".. Not a "Hashtag" The last time I remeber a hashtag. it was being handed to de left hand side

   WhitePeopleGoogleSearches How do I find my stolen iPhone BlackPeopleGoogleSearches How do I unlock the iPhone I just found..

   I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

   Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics

   All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"

   FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High