Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New year resolution- nothing better to start the year than by making more rules to break over the year.

   If I can give some advice to the gentleman, you can say you love her but actions speak louder than words. Females have had guys talk and talk, and the actions dont match up. If you wanna prove you are not like the rest, act like it. Dont just say it.

   I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock then throw it to your face, so you can feel how missing you hurts.

   video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing.. they just WAVED...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH. :)

   it just me or the New Facebook Layout kinda looks like the ol Myspace? O_o

   My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   The House of Representatives should be replaced with a mix of carnies, some Wayans, a few Pilates teachers, & the Oakland A's.

   Dear Girls, when a boy pauses his video game to text you.. Marry him.

   Got a note from Santa, said I was in the record books for being on his naughtly list for more than 40 consecutive years......... I guess he didn't appreciate my wish list as I got a return to sender with a LMAO attached......

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

   Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?

   When you have sex with someone for the first time you get an idea of what their ex liked

   This time of year makes me miss the two guys from the old Miller's Outpost commercials.

   Whenever there's a ping pong compatition on tv I secretely hope Tom Hanks shows up, paddle in hand, and just destroys everyone.