Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mom found an issue of Bondage & Pain Magazine under my mattress when I was still living at home. She asked my dad what she should do... My dad said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

   Facebook IM. Me: I txted you earlier. Her: oo my phone is broke... Her status two mins later.. "Out to the mall" via mobile

   Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.

   Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup.

   Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   People have to stop drinking from wells they didn't dig.

   My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   The world would be a better place without guns. Then we could focus on important things...like how to kill a man with one punch.

   If I ever find a hot chick's "To Do" list. I'm so adding my name to the bottom.

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Fellas: Make sure you always treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. From your grandmother, mother, sister to your girlfriend or wife, because a woman never forgets how you treat her.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)