Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of da road I'm going to leave & come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign says, "Help, need ride"

   I wish my farts would make people disintegrate like in "The Darkest Hour" movie trailer.

   The only time its acceptable for a girl to spit is if its into another girls mouth.

   smelling my clothes deciding what to wear

   Need a distraction today? Not only does 11+2=12+1, but also when you rearrange the letters in "eleven plus two," you get "twelve plus one." How many letters in each phrase? Thirteen.

   Cheating on a good girl is like throwing away a daimond and picking up a rock.

   Is there an Elf Yourself type eCard service for condolences?

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I'd actually be more excited to see an image of a grilled-cheese sandwich appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich.

   Why don't people throw all of their paperwork up in the air when they're frustrated, like they used to do in 80s movies? It feels great.

   Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.

   Common Sense, So rare it's kinda like a super power.

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

   That ackward moment when you send a specific text to the wrong person.

   Ambulances and women have a lot in common… they both make a ton of noise to let you know they are coming!

   There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego.

   I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard.