Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the smell of Walmart when I walk in. It smells like old beer and subway. Merry Christmas everyone!

   true friends tell you when you have a boogie chillin

   "I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls

   Just found a calendar in the kitchen, it ends in eight days. Were all doomed.

   There are times when strangers are like family, and family are like strangers.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary, then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is! Tune in for results.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

   Well Santa has started his Journey and is now in Australia. I hope he is careful over Iran. Last thing we need is to have him shot down and used as the latest Iranian Spy drone..

   wrapping my girlfriends present, but I tell ya I'm not comfortable with tape near my puibs...

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.

   Ohhh, you wanted an iPad? I thought you said pet rock, dang

   There are no rules for Holiday Family Fight Club, just a series of passive-aggressive statements.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.