Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...

   For christmas I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

   America has just created a new missle called the "Civil Servant." It can't be fired and doesnt work.

   Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!

   White Parent: “you embarrassed your family for fighting at school!” Black Parent “Who won?”

   If all the good ones are taken does that make me bad cause I'm single...lol

   broke my personal record for not dying today

   Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, F*ck Kwanzaa.

   Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..

   I hate long distance relationships , the fridge is so far from my bed

   Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.

   The weather man (drug dealer) says I can have a white Christmas (cocaine) with plenty of trees (weed) and now I'm happy (broke)

   GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   If you are living your life without giving an "f", You are living a li[ ]e .

   Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.