Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to the store and asked for Amy Winehouse's greatest hits. But the guy behind the counter told me they don't sell heroin.

   It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

   I saw 2 deaf chicks arguing today... one of them said "You betta keep my name out yo hands B!TCH!"

   It's not cheating if you let your girlfriend watch.

   You have a pretty face but I don't like the gang signs your teeth are throwing up at me

   If two blind people are dating, would they say they are "seeing each other" ?

   I got so wasted this weekend I kept spilling drinks...all over the inside of my stomach.

   I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first

   This guy on Maury got caught with Naked pics in his phone, When his wife asked him about it he said they came with the phone

   If you worry, you didn't pray... If you prayed, don't worry.

   Some of you ladies need to stop listening to Beyonce. F*ck relationships! Just keep swallowing until he love you

   I would love to put a smile on your face..and I will be using construction paper and a stapler.

   id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness

   I just realized immature spells I'm mature.

   I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, HELLO?!?!?!?

   Forgive me God, for the blessings I don't even notice

   Fox News: A channel solely dedicated to political humor by taking everything that is right with the world, twisting it so it's so wrong that it's funny, then claiming that it's news. The only bad thing about this channel is its lack of a laugh track.