Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!

   I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!

   "stepping on a frog"just isnt that funny at Christmas dinner at the in-laws.

   says Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused :\

   The lump of coal I received this year was of exceptional quality, 9,326,423 years ago was a fine vintage year

   refusing to ride up Troy's bucket.

   just shot my eye out ..the sights must be off on my Red Ryder B.B. gun!

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   I hope everybody enjoys the new air guitar I sent them for Christmas.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   If I was homeless, I'd play it smart. My sign would say "Will have sex with any woman for food." That way, both of my needs are satisfied.

   the weighing scales are crying "b*tch please! I ain't going to lie and go lower"

   I found a sealed turkey sandwich, ranch dressing and gatorade in my car. Santa must of mixed my car up with my stocking.

   if you negate those who celebrate for the presents, or for the excuse to drink, or for the day off work, or for the reason to party, or for a morning in bed, the amount of people who truly celebrate Xmas is lower than the nos of actors in a 1 man show!

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?