Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   enjoys long, romantic walks to my fridge!

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?

   I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."

   That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   whats long and black?........the unemployment line!

   my son farts on me and laughs. I fart on him and he cries, he has a lot of growing up to do.

   I want to see if I can make it 2 full days before Santa puts me back on the "bad boys" list again this year, where I belong. So I'm going to wait til tomorrow before I go back to my normal status updates.

   My mom found an issue of Bondage & Pain Magazine under my mattress when I was still living at home. She asked my dad what she should do... My dad said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

   Facebook IM. Me: I txted you earlier. Her: oo my phone is broke... Her status two mins later.. "Out to the mall" via mobile

   Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.