Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   Hey, I'm your friend, I'm two-faced, and I wouldn't mind backstabbing you one day...because that's what all of the friends do am I right...

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   guess I have got to that stage in life where I am either too old for presents or my family has converted to hinduism in my abscense :(

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   I hate the smell of Walmart when I walk in. It smells like old beer and subway. Merry Christmas everyone!

   true friends tell you when you have a boogie chillin

   "I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls

   Just found a calendar in the kitchen, it ends in eight days. Were all doomed.

   There are times when strangers are like family, and family are like strangers.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary, then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is! Tune in for results.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.