Funny Status Messages

   If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

   ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!

   The Rock has lost 48 million followers in the last few days.

   Men must have ex 22 times a month in order to not be a risk of prostate problems

   I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?