Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   Whipped cream in a pie tin is not a pie. Stop wasting our time, clowns.

   Michael Jackson's doctor gets four years in jail?!?! Thats because his victim was white...

   Just heard there is an Occupy North Pole protest going on. Apparently Santa did not share his wealth with the naughty group.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

   I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees

   You're not in the club(-.(-.(-_-).-).-) well f**k you guys t(-_-t)

   Ever think "Serial Killers Coming" when you're getting into your car and you drop your car keys?

   suing Trojan...It didn't blow my hair back!!!

   I hate that I have to delete your number to keep myself from texting you.

   My boss walks by my desk almost everyday and says, "Wake Up" even though I am clearly awake. So today I replied, "How could anyone sleep with the strong odor of bullsh*t around here anyway, but they always say you can't smell yourself like others can."

   facebook timeline, creating new arguments for the future !

   out of her mind. Please leave a message and the men in the white coats may let me return your call sometime soon.

   Dreaming of a White Christmas? You r@cist b@stards.

   Merry Christmas to the Bathroom models around the world.

   Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.

   Drinking alone: The combination of my two favorite things.