Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

   My skull organ no work so good this day.

   New Years Eve Drinking Game: Everytime someone says "See you next year!" take their beer puncn them and chug said beer.

   2012: get rich or die Mayan!

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   just enjoying a nice hot bath with candles and a glass of wine and then the neighbors came home. I have never seen them so mad.

   It's Hard for me to catch feelings, and Easy for me to lose them.

   If you're flirting with a women and she asks "Are you coming onto me?" whisper in her ear "I never pull out."

   Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."

   "When life gives you eggs, turn them into omelets!" is probably a terrible slogan for an abortion clinic.

   When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone

   The decoys on 'To Catch A Predator' must have a hard time getting dates.

   See what happens when you push me, ________________________ I draw the line.

   That moment when you lose your black friend in the dark.

   Your ass is like a door knob everyone gets a turn

   If one more person I see says "I'll see ya next year" chances are, they wont...

   If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

   Gay people are such immaculate dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   I'm starting to realize that Facebook has made more changes than Obama