Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my New Years Resolution is to be less laz

   Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It's Tuesday that sucks.

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.

   You never have to wonder if someone loves you or not; their actions will speak loud and clear. If you're still wondering, they don't.

   Doggy style was invented so you wouldn't have to miss any of the game to get laid.

   When you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my Smart ph, I'm telling it how much I love it..!!

   I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.

   i dont think guys play hard to get, maybe you're just hard to want...

   Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.

   I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.

   If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   One politician endorsing another is like poo endorsing diarrhea.

   Before you make up your mind, open it.

   After meeting an ole high school friend for lunch, she said "my, you smell good, what do you have on"? I replied, "I've got a hard on, but I didnt know you could smell it"!

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.