Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   If you got me an Ed Hardy shirt for Christmas, don't worry about a gift receipt...I'll get more X-mas joy out of burning it.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!

   its about to be 2012: if you miss someone because they have passed away and in heaven , click like or type in their name..

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   Because you quit carrying stuff we would buy. Also See 2a & 2b. Examples: K-Mart & Sears 3.) Some of us cannot afford said basket.

   I heard an Old Guy exclaim, "This Country is going to H_LL in a Hand Basket !!!" I have to disagree !!! 1.) Can this Country Afford to Purchase a Hand Basket? 2.) If you go to the store they don't have them for sale.

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   As much as I get poked, you think I'd be FB pregant by now.

   I know my dream woman is out there.. and that her boring friend is the one into me..

   will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement

   I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!

   Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

   Winter trees at sunset have the look of a lonely old man realizing there will be no visitors today.