Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aahhh, 2012 is here. This year, I will try to look on the bright side of things, to see the positive in all situations, to see my RED SOLO CUP half full :)

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

   I'm trying to go back to my original shape. 7 lbs. 9oz..

   NICE GILL MORGAN... WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.

   Tonight I have a date with my Ego.

   Welcome 2012 !! We hope that you do to us what 2011 did to Mobile Phones - Made them Thinner and Smarter !!

   If you like your own status, you should take your own hand and punch you in your face.

   The way I see it is that life is divided up into three stages, and you only have to wipe your @$$ for one of them. Isn't life incredible!?

   Can't wait 'til I'm elderly so I can wear band-aids on my face without shame or explanation.

   Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents

   In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!

   H.O.E.S = HAPPILY OFFERING EVERYONE SEX.

   Just because I'm giving up , doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm tired of giving my everything & ending up with nothing.

   From now on I will only use blue SOLO cups,because of that STUPID STUPID song.

   A sure sign that drugs fu<k you up is that Russel Brand just filed for divorce from Katy Perry...WHAT,an idiot!

   I'm not proud of this, but I haven't showered since last year...

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   Just saw several boys gathered in the neighbors yard, figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake, or a drug deal....too soon to tell.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.