Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Your welcome!

   Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"

   According to D!ck Clark this new year's eve is going to be the "besjtkdksnsm newsjsjsoa evesjdddb."

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   worried that Santa won't bring any gifts for dirty minded people. I'm screwed. Haha, screwed.

   I will never tell you the number of people I've slept with, especially if you're next on my list.

   I bet the minivan industry hates the condom industry.

   I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

   just found out there was no pinatas at the new years party and I owe the host 479.00 for new lamps...haha

   Ugly people are always the ones starting drama and fights since they know they have nothing to lose if they get beat down.

   hopes everyone had a great night, got drunk and woke up wearing someone else's underpants. Happy 2012!

   Here is the line _____ do me a favor and don't cross it.

   So that means when its 2013 next year, the century will be a teenager and not talk to us, and will know everything

   I knew getting married on New Years Eve was a bad idea.....

   what a night it was.. I did the fox-trot, cha-cha, galop, paso-doble, and even the zapateado!!... I must of stepped on 5 damned leggo's on my way to the bathroom last night

   Relationships are like tattoos. They seem a good idea at the time.

   If you owe me money, until you pay me, don't expect any of our conversations to be pleasant.

   Thou shall not call thyself a barbie, when thou looketh like precious!

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....