Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.

   To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.

   After refreshing for hours, I just realized that this might be the new layout..

   RIP Slim Dunkin...Thank God it was not the Doughnut!!!

   Your outlook determines your outcome!

   The republican party... I'm sorry I thought we were telling jokes

   Christmas shopping for your parents isnt easy. I mean, what DO you buy someone who has the perfect gift. Like me, for example

   Imagine if you had the Facebook Master account for one day

   If you dont like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree...

   to all my haterz...I hope you step on a lego.

   Snoop Dog carries an umbrella!!!! Fo Drizzle...

   when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumba$$ over here?"

   There's a wild side to every innocent face!

   I miss the days when men dressed like men. Nowadays guys dress in jeans tighter than their girlfriends'.

   You can't change a ho, but you can exchange the ho.

   Shout Out to the dude that's getting beat by the police cuz he took his hands off the hood of the car to Tweet about being pulled over!

   To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.