Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to FaceSpace

   The Best Things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we KISS, CRY, and DREAM.

   it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life

   Pretending that the laser pointer app on your phone tells you if your kid brushed his teeth good enough..priceless!

   ‎96% percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

   Im a bit more cautious when deleting my internet history. I thought it might look a bit suspicious that I haven't been on the internet for two years.

   Drinking game: Take a shot or chug a beer everytime Tony Romo says "you know" during an interview or press conference.

   Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in

   "do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever

   your not drunk till you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   i have just woke up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes,concussion,apparently when the wife asks whats on TV tonight, 6 inches of dust is not the right answer !!!!!!!

   If you smile in Wal Mart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   TEACHER: what is the opposite of laughing? STUDENT: fu*king... TEACHER: why is that? STUDENT: well laughing is Ha Ha Ha and fu*king is Ah Ah Ah ....

   look people It's spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4... we speak English, not bingo

   Santa I was not naughty, I was merely thinking outside the box!!

   If a fat man in a red suit comes and grabs you and stuffs you into a bag, dont worry. He just read my wish list. :)

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   Wow! Only seven more shopping days until it's Christmas! I wish that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive, extravagant gift! I wouldn't, but do I just wish I could afford to, if I wanted.

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.