Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   You guys see the Casey Anthony video diary yet? I think she's grown. She looks like the kind of person you could start, and then murder a family with.......

   So you want to get married when the divorce rate is 70% and get a degree when there is no guarantee that it will actually get you a job?

   Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   I quit smoking!!!! if the world is coming to an end in December 2012, I will be so pissed .....

   The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.

   If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   doing the toothfairies fingernails, hey she wants to look good to on a budget

   Remember the days when the best way to sharpen your robbing and murdering skills was to get yourself involved in Texas cheerleading?

   Divas are fun and all, but do your best to keep them away from open flame. Their faces are highly susceptible to melting.

   Bible forbids men w/men but nothing about women w/women, proving the Old Testament has the same policy as Vivid Video.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.

   They probably just called her an "explorer" because "Dora the Drug Mule" didn't rhyme.

   I think we should follow new people.

   There comes a time in every man's life when he starts using this phrase.

   Don't forget to put the word "organic" in your tweets, so you can charge more for them.