Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!

   Shoutout to the girls that got that good rooster neck

   more technology= Less Jobs.........Simple

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   i don't know much about politics...but what's with this ohio cactus thing?

   I once skeeted in the back seat of an 18 wheeler.......... That 18 wheeler is now known today as........ OPTIMUS PRIME

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call?! Barney? ..Elmo?.. DORA?!?

   Everyday I'm shoveling!

   I'm a lazy ass texter, unless you're cute, or I like you.

   oh!!!!! sorryy my smoking is bothering you ?? shut the hell up it's killing me !!!

   Aretha Franklin, 69, is engaged. And she's not pregnant!

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   45 days and counting until I start a new count down

   trying to think of good booger jokes, but it snot working.

   When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

   Its better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship and feel alone.

   Hey..........all the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. Who's down???